


like a shadow on me all of the time

by bygoshbygolly



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-19 05:13:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13116780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bygoshbygolly/pseuds/bygoshbygolly
Summary: Once upon a time, a girl saved her brother from the world's demands. She has paid for it ever since.





	like a shadow on me all of the time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Panny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Panny/gifts).



> Anthy is endlessly fascinating to me, and I love her.
> 
> Happy Yuletide, and I hope you enjoy this!
> 
> (the title is indeed a line from Bonnie Tyler's _Total Eclipse of the Heart_ , a song inextricably twined with this series in my mind.)

Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved her brother so much that she shut him away from the world to keep him safe. There was a price for her selfishness, of course, but to protect her brother she paid it willingly.

The girl’s brother was thankful, at first, in awe of the love his sister had shown him and the power it took to keep him safe. They lived in quiet content in their new world. As time passed, however, he grew bitter. He was a prince, and in this world, there were no princesses, only his witch of a sister. What use is a prince without damsels to save and monsters to fight? Who was he, if not a prince?

So the girl allowed her brother some of her power to shape this world they now lived in, for she loved him still, and wanted him to be happy. And the prince created a kingdom for them, populated by creations of his own and lost outsiders, and for a time, they were content.

Time passed, however, and despite his new power and new kingdom, the prince began to waste away. The girl did her best, but witches cannot save princes, and so he died. Death had no power in the witch's new world, however, and so he was reborn. In the prince’s place was Akio, a new man, one harder and stronger than the prince he had been before. The man at the end of the world. The girl loved him anyway, for he was her brother still.

Akio tested the boundaries of this world they now lived in, and discovered, at its heart, a well of tremendous power, locked away. He tried, and begged Anthy try, to access it, but the power was protected, both by the swords of hatred and by heavy, thorn-wrapped gates. Together, they elevated the gates to hover high above the kingdom, both so they would never forget about this source of untapped power, and so no one could access it but them.

Akio became obsessed. He set up rules for their kingdom, creating the Duelist system, and brought in more outsiders. He was sure there was a way to reach the hidden power, but he could not do it alone. And so the girl became the Rose Bride. It suited her—a witch who looked like a princess, someone with power but who did not belong to herself. Just as Akio could not be who he once was in this world, she too must change.

Together, they refined the Duelist system, gaining new understanding with each failure. They could not approach the problem head-on, and so Akio and the Rose Bride adapted, became more subtle in their efforts and manipulations. The kingdom became a school, for through trial and error they had determined children were more easily manipulated, and had stronger hearts. The Rose Bride took on a new identity, and became Anthy Himemiya.

Through this all, their love for each other never waned, although their hatred for each other grew. They developed dozens of ways to torture one another, and all the while clinging to each other. Akio was Anthy’s North Star, her constant. She loved her brother—how could she not? After all they had done, after all they had been through, all they had was each other. It wasn’t perfect, but their lives weren’t fairy tales, after all.

* * *

There have been many duelists over the years, some kinder, some crueler. They all have their own reasons for wanting to revolutionize the world. Anthy never gets too close to them, although she occasionally finds herself becoming fond of one or two of the duelists. They have such high hopes, such fervid dreams, and yet they know nothing of the world they are inhabiting. It’s so pitiful it's almost sweet. In the end, though, none of them can gain access to the power at the center of the world. Nor can any of them can beat Akio. He always wins, in the end. What kind of story would it be if the prince lost? He must win, even if he teams up with the witch to do so.

When they look at her, the duelists don’t see a girl, or even a rose bride—they see a miracle, something eternal, a shining thing. She’s a mirror for their desires, and she despises them all for it.

(She can be fond of someone and despise them at the same time. She’s had years of practice.)

Anthy sometimes thinks of herself as a nesting doll in a house of mirrors—endless versions, endlessly reflected. After so long in this world, she is no longer certain where her true self is. She’s not sure if she has a true self anymore, or if she is simply a collection of resentment and malice and memories and other people’s perceptions. She’s the princess, the witch, the Rose Bride; she’s Mamiya; she’s Anthy Himemiya., whoever that may be.

Anthy tries not to dwell on the past. She is trapped by her past, yes, but she doesn’t dwell. She’s seen in dozens of Duelists’ lives how it can drag a person down and blind them to the world. Instead, she focuses on the present, and dreams of a future when the kernel of power at the heart of the world is finally let loose.

Anthy’s life isn’t miserable, though she knows it may seem that way to some. She takes great joy in the small things, like the warm green smell of the hothouse, the Ohtori wildlife, teasing her classmates. She’s part of something greater than most people can imagine, and she has her own power. She has her brother. The pain of the swords lancing through her soul and the feeling of being trapped are worth it, compared to these things.

So it goes, around and around, Duelists fighting and failing and fighting and failing, and all the while the Rose Bride and the End of the World grow colder and colder.

* * *

And then comes Utena.

Utena, who wants to be a prince, and thinks she understands what that means because one was kind to her, once. Utena, who is nothing like the others, and didn’t choose to become a Duelist. Utena, who is exactly like the others, and sees Anthy as a damsel needing to be rescued.

Utena really does remind her of Dios. They have the same unthinking kindness that makes their cruelty, often just as unthinking, feel like an even greater betrayal. One might think this similarity might soften her heart towards Utena—in fact, it fills Anthy with distaste. What right does this girl have to act like Dios? Doesn't she know she's only a girl?

And yet...And yet...

Anthy didn’t think it would hurt so much to see Utena falling under Akio’s spell.

Utena means to be kind, and she wants to help Anthy. She doesn’t understand Anthy, though, and she doesn’t want to understand. Even when she tries, she doesn’t want to, and so she never will. Her well-meaning intentions are not enough. It’s more than anyone else has done, Anthy thinks. She almost feels bad about what she and Akio will do to Utena.

In the end, of course, Utena cannot win against Akio. This world was created by him and Anthy, and no outsider will ever have the strength to match them.

And yet...

And yet Utena pushes forward anyway. She's lost, but she doesn't seem to care. All her focus is on Anthy now, and it hurts Anthy in a way the swords don't. Utena pushes past Akio and breaks her fingernails against the heavy doors and sheds bitter tears for Anthy, and it is this final act, this minor miracle, that allows her to open them. 

It isn't enough. The doors are too heavy; Utena is too weak, but for a moment the doors are open, and Anthy remembers what they hid was her true heart. She remembers herself, good and bad, and she remembers that she once felt love without pain.

Then she's falling. The rules of the world they live in mean that failed Duelists must leave, and Anthy knows she will not see Utena in Ohtori again. She knows that Akio does not understand what happened, and will continue to gain the power he has so long desired. Fine. She leaves him a grain of that power, and she leaves him Ohtori-- a final gesture of her love.

Anthy knows the world outside can be cruel, and she does not know what to expect of it, so long deprived of its prince. But there may be goodness, too. Just as she and Akio had adapted, so the world may have as well. There might be roses. There might be Utena.

Anthy doesn't know what will happen when she steps outside Ohtori, but she knows herself. It is enough.


End file.
